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In recognition of 250 years of United States Independence on July 4th our resident storyteller Jim Luck tells the story of Independence Day and the missing Declaration of Independence - from Season 3 of the Podcast series 'Detective Diaries'
'With apologies to the American Secret Service'
Hear more of Detective Diaries on Spotify and Apple Podcasts
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A Parliamentary by-election in Cracktown-on-Sea - Nigel Garage and Deform UK
A missing World Cup - our Detective saves the day again, with a soggy tale of corruption
Move over, Easter Bunny Hear the case of the Stolen Tsars Egg
A threatened romance is made good in our Special Valentines Day broadcast
The Ghost of Christams is sent away in our Christmas Special
All episodes of Detective Diaries are on Spotify, Apple Podcast, and more
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The Independence Day investigation, a Detective Diaries tale, Act 1 the briefing on the
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Mall
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The Capital Mall smelled of overcooked pork belly, cheap tinsel and impending doom.
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It was July the 4th, 2026.
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The United States of America was turning exactly 250 years old.
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Every politician in Washington was desperate for a slice of the historic glory, especially
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one man.
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Ronald J. Rump, currently serving as non-consecative second term, had naturally branded
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the entire semi-quince-centennial as "the greatest birthday ever told, sponsored by Rump
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Towers."
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He had built a VIP podium twice as high as a Lincoln Memorial, forcing honest Abe Lincoln
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to look up at him.
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He wore a silk tie that reached his shins, clapping gently in the humid DC breeze.
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But 30 minutes before the global broadcast, his chief of staff burst into the office.
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His face was whiter than the Washington Monument.
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The centerpiece of the entire global celebration was gone.
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The original sign declaration of independence had vanished from its high security, gold-plated
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display case, inside the presidential holding tent.
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At the media get a hold of this, the chief whispered, sweating through his Brooks Brothers
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suit.
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They'll say we lost democracy before the fireworks even started.
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Act 2 Inside the tent
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I walked into the presidential VIP tent on the mall.
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The interior was a circus of gold-painted furniture, velvet ropes and a large ice sculpture
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of the president wrestling a bald eagle.
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The president himself was pacing the flush red carpet, his orange complexion glowing like
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a dying star under the fluorescent lights.
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It's a disaster, Jim.
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Ronald Boone waving his hands like an invisible accordion, his voice echoing off the canvas
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walls.
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The total disaster, the radical left the fake news, the deep state antiquities department,
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they stole it, beautiful parchment, the best handwriting you've ever seen, John Hancock.
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Tremendous signature, huge, not as big as mine would have been, but big.
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We needed back in 10 minutes or the ratings for this anniversary will be lower than Jimmy
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Carter's, lower than the apprentice season with Arnold total catastrophe.
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Any signs of force entry, I asked, looking at the empty glass case sitting on the center
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table, none said the secret service detail leader stepping forward out of the shadows.
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The log requires a retinal scan, a biometric thumbprint and a 20-digit rolling basket.
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Who has the passcode, I asked?
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The agent glanced nervously at the president, swallowing hard.
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Only the chief executive changed it yesterday because he said the algorithm was too biased.
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The new passcode is MAGA250.
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That passcode is a security masterpiece.
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Rump interrupted, nodding sagely at his own reflection in the gold plating.
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Nobody could guess it.
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The cyber experts came to me, tears in their eyes, they said, "Sir, how did you make a password
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so strong?
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It's unhackable."
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(Music)
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(Music)
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I stepped past the president and approached the empty display table.
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There were no signs of lock picking, no shattered glass, but as I leaned in, I noticed
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a distinct, greasy residue smudging the edge of the velvet lining inside the case.
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The smell faintly of artificial butter, processed cheese and a light hint of aquanet hairspray.
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On the floor, just beneath the rim of the table, a single crumpled wrapper caught my eye.
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I knelt down my trench coat brushing the carpet and picked it up with my pen.
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There was a bag of Doritos, a nacho cheese, party size.
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I stood up and looked back at President Ronald.
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He was busy adjusting his hair in a vanity mirror, but his fingers caught the light.
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They were stained of vibrant, radioactive shade of orange.
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Not as usual hairspray orange.
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This was a powdery, snack food orange.
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Mr. President, I said, narrowing my eyes.
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When did you last see the document?
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People are saying it was there an hour ago, very smart people.
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He deflected, turning away from the mirror and fluffing his tie.
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But frankly, the document is overrated.
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Too many words, too many laws.
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It's got all these grievances against King George, King George, great guy, strongly denied
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doing anything wrong.
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I met him, well, a guy named George, and he was very nice to me.
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I was thinking of rewriting the whole declaration anyway, making it much better.
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Dictator for just day one, beautiful claws, we should add that.
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The people want it.
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The document is a federal treasure, sir.
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I replied, "Dryly."
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And right now, it's missing.
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Well, look at the fake news over there.
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Rump said pointing out the tent window towards the press rises.
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They probably took it CNN, crooked CNN.
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They want the anniversary to fail because they hate America and they hate my beautiful podiums.
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Acts 4, the confrontation and reveal.
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The clock on the wall was ticking down, five minutes to air.
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Outside the crowd of 300,000 people was chanting a low rumble that vibrated through the floor
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boards.
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A scandal room one more time.
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My eyes drifted past the ice sculpture and passed the teleprompters and landed on the
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president custom golf bag sitting in the far corner of the tent.
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It was a massive gold-flect leather beast with Rump 47 and 45 embroidered in bold lettering.
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protruding out of the top, squeezed tightly between a gold-plated tailor-made driver and a velvet
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pate cover was a rolled-up piece of yellow ancient parchment.
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I walked over, ignoring the frantic gestures of the chiefs of staff and pulled it free from
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the bag.
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Is this what you're looking for, Mr. President?
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The document was a mess.
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It was covered in greasy orange thumb prints and aggressive thick black sharpie marks.
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Thomas Jefferson's elegant sweeping cursive had been entirely crossed out for the single
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violent stroke.
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In its place written in chaotic towering capital letters across the top margin it read,
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"Life, Liberty and the pursuit of total immunity."
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"Ah, you found it."
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Rump clacked his hands together, completely unbothered by the desecration of history.
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"I was just doing some light editing, product improvement, they call it in business.
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Correcting history, Jefferson, total loser, got caught in the rain during the convention.
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I liked founding fathers who didn't get caught in the rain and Benjamin Franklin, way too
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much printing, bad for the environment."
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He reached out, grabbed the document from my hand and looked at his sharpie additions with
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immense pride.
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"Ah, you found it."
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He murmured.
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"Look at my addition, total immunity.
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It reads much better now, very legal, very cool.
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Now let's get out there, the ratings are waiting.
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We're going to do a tremendous speech.
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The biggest since Abraham Lincoln, maybe ever."
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I watched him stride out of the tent.
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The tale of his long red tie trailing behind him like a safety hazard.
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I handed the deface 250 year old birth certificate back to the trembling secret service agent.
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Another case closed for the detective diaries.
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Some mysteries required deep deduction, international wiretaption for forensic science.
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This one just required looking for the guide with the orange thumbs, but in the end it came
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up trumps.
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This has been me, Jim Luck, relating another tale from detective diaries.
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[music]
