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When a massive campaign war chest vanishes overnight, the political world throws a tantrum. Detective Jim Luck steps into the seaside town of Cracktown-on-Sea to investigate. He follows a trail of breadcrumbs through foggy piers and smoke-filled campaign offices - another satire from the Podcast 'Detective Diaries'
'Jim thanks the people of Cracktown-on-Sea who found sanity and did not vote for Deform UK'
The investigation takes a high-tech turn when Luck realizes the cash wasn't moved in duffel bags, but converted entirely into digital assets. The frantic search culminates in the discovery of a weatherproof cash box containing encrypted USB hardware wallets loaded with millions in cryptocurrency. Luck must race against the clock to crack the encryption and recover the stolen digital fortune before the voting polls officially close
Hear more of Detective Diaries on Spotify and Apple Podcasts
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The theft of the Declaration of Independence is foiled by our errant Detective
An Easter story and the tale of the Stolen Tsars Egg told by Jim Luck
Lost love is saved in our Detective Diaries Valentines Day Special
The World Cup trophy goes missing on Final Day of The World Cup
The stolen Star of Bethlehem is found in: A Christmas Detectives Diary
Listen to other episodes of Detective Diaries on Spotify, Apple Podcast, and more
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[Waves Lapping]
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They say a week in politics is a long time, but a month in Cracktown-on-Sea, that's an
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eternity wrapped in a mystery served with a side of chips.
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Welcome back to Detective Diaries.
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The podcast where real-world investigative trade craft meets the kind of detective
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absurdity you couldn't write if you tried.
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It all started when the coastal air of Essex grew thick with something heavier than sea
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salt.
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Scandals.
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Nigel Garage, leader of the Deform UK, and freshly minted member of parliament for Cracktown,
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abruptly threw his hands up and resigned.
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Forcing an immediate bi-illection for August the 13th.
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[Water running]
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The public story, he called it a referendum between the people of crackdown and the Westminster
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elite.
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But my client, an anonymous figure in a very sharp, expensive suit, knew the real story.
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It wasn't about the Parliamentary Commissioner for Standards.
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It was about an item that had vanished from Deform UK's temporary campaign headquarters,
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a standard battered metal petty cash tin that somehow contained £5 million in undeclared
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crypto bearer bonds courtesy of a billionaire donor.
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That's where I came in.
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I had to find the cash box before the ballot boxes were opened.
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My investigation led me straight to crackdown pier.
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I didn't have to look hard to find my prime suspect.
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He was standing near the edge, pint a bitter in one hand, a cigarette in the other, wearing
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a tweed jacket that looked like it had survived three different political party mergers, Nigel
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Garage himself.
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[Water running]
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I closed the distance, adjusting my hidden lapel mic.
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Mr. Garage.
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I'm looking for a missing blue metal container, roughly 12 by 8 inches, containing enough liquidity
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to buy a small island, or perhaps a few thousand digital billboards.
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Oh, Mr. Luck, the legendary detective.
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Look, let me tell you something and let me be absolutely 100% clear about this.
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The mainstream media, the BBC, the whole Westminster establishment, they love a conspiracy theory
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don't they? They're absolutely obsessed.
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They want to talk about little blue boxes.
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I want to talk about the forgotten people of Great Britain.
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They're sick to the back teeth of it, Jim.
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With respect, sir, the Parliamentary Standards Commissioner isn't worried about the forgotten
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people, they're worried about 5 million pounds of undeclared crypto cash sitting in a tin
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normally reserved for raffle tickets.
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Oh, come off it, mate.
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A tin for raffle tickets.
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Is that the best the administrative stake can come up with?
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Let me ask you, who actually cares?
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If a generous patriot wants to help us fund a common sense revolution, why should some
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metropolitan bureaucrat in a grey suit get to look under the bonnet?
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It's total nonsense.
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The real scandal is what's happening to our high streets, not what's sitting in a plastic
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handle cash box.
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So do you know about the petty cash box?
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Look, Jim, can I call you Jim?
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Politics is an expensive business.
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You've got leaflets, you've got security, you've got transport, billionaires don't fire
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their helicopters on fresh air, you know.
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Now, did a certain piece of office equipment get misplaced during the campaign launch?
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Maybe it did.
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Maybe it didn't.
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But let me ask you a question.
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Have you checked the official Monster Raving Looney Party headquarters?
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What about camp been face?
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Have you seen the size of that chap's head?
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You could fit 5 million pounds, three bottles of gin and a copy of the Magna Carta inside
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that helmet of his.
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Frankly, he looks far more suspicious than a bloke having a quiet pint by the seaside.
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So you're saying you didn't hide it?
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I'm saying, Jim, that in a bi-election with 34 candidates on the ballot, anything can
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happen.
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It's a complete circus and, quite frankly, I'm the ringmaster.
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If the establishment thinks they can stop the common sense revolution over a missing
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petty cash tin, they've completely misjudged the mood of this country.
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They're terrified of us, Jim.
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Absolutely terrified.
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Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a pint of prawns with my name on it at the seafood
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shack and a crowd of real voters to talk to.
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Up the deformed party.
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He was good.
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Masterful deflection.
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At the time he realised he hadn't answered the question, he was already three miles down
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the sea front, waving a union jack out of the window.
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And a detective doesn't look at the flags, a detective looks at the clues.
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Garage's tip about Count Binface was a classic red herring.
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No, the answer lay in a detail garage had dropped completely by accident, the pint of
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prawns.
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There was only one place on the sea front that served them in a paper cup, the local seafood
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shack right next to the lifeboat station.
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I walked over, scoping the area, behind the counter, sitting completely out of place next to
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the industrial ice machine, was a heavily dented blue metal cash box.
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The padlock had been hastily picked with what looked like a loyalty card for a golf club.
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I popped the lid.
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No cash, no coins, just a thick stack of cold storage crypto wallets encrypted USB sticks,
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wrapped in an elastic band with a sticky note that read "For Emergency Campaign Buildboards
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Only".
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5 million pounds in bearer bonds, the ultimate political war chest, left sitting between
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a tub of tartar sauce and a bag of welks.
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Garage hadn't stolen it, he simply stashed it while the parliamentary stands at the eat
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died down.
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I looked at the USB drives, then I looked out to the North Sea.
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I thought about my client.
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I thought about the 34 candidates on the ballot, and I thought about Cosmic Justice.
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Sometimes the universe ends you an opportunity to rewrite the script.
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I pulled out my rugged field laptop, hooked up a secure satellite link, and initiated a
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secure, untraceable blockchain sweep.
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It took exactly 43 seconds to transfer the entire 5 million pound cryptocurrency balance
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out of the billionaire's shadow fund.
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I didn't keep a penny.
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Instead, I routed the whole entire sum through a series of anonymous digital mixers, and sent
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it straight to the digital wallet of a major UK refugee and immigrant support charity.
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A little anonymous donation to fund legal aid, housing, and English language classes for
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the very people Nigel Garage spent his mornings campaigning against.
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I locked the empty blue tin back up and left it by the prawns and walked away.
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An hour later, I doubled back.
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I couldn't resist a bit of post-operational surveillance.
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I pulled out my long-range directional microphone and pointed it right at the sea food
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shake.
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Where is it?
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Where the hell is it?
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George!
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George!
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Look behind the welks!
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No!
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Don't look at the bloody prawns!
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Look behind the ice machine!
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It's gone!
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The whole flipping thing is empty!
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Look at this!
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There's nothing on the bloody sticks!
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George!
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Do something!
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I don't want the voters to see me crying!
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Nigel!
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Calm down!
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Someone will hear you!
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You're losing enough votes as it is!
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Calm down!
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You're telling me to calm down!
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It's 5 million quid, George!
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5 million quid!
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Gone into thin air!
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It's a total hit job!
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It's the deep state I'm telling you!
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It's Andy Burnham's digital henchman!
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They've hacked me!
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It's completely unfair!
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I've spent weeks eating these dreadful lukewarm pies and drinking awful beer for this campaign.
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Now some bloody techno geek has wiped us out.
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I switched off the mic and smiled into the coastal wind.
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Garage will still have his grand bi-election showpiece on August 13th.
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He'll still shout on the doorsteps and he'll still draw the cameras, but his 5 million
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pounds secret weapon is gone.
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Turned into hot dinners, legal defence funds and warm blankets for new arrivals.
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In the world of private intelligence, we call that a total asset reallocation.
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The voters will head off to the ballot box as soon, but as for me, my work here is done.
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As I walked off with an ice cream, I could hear Garage still remonstrating at his aid.
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Never mind Nigel, there will always be another election, or we can always start a new political
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party.
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This is the worst day of my life.
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My donor friend is going to absolutely murder me.
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What am I going to tell him?
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We can't even afford the digital billboards in J-Wick now.
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It's an absolute joke, a total disaster.
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This has been a Detective Diary story.
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Soon next time, when we investigate whether a rogue law-mower's GPS coordinates can
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solve a missing burger crisis.
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Stay lucky out there, and please like, share and give this episode a 5 star review.
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And don't forget to lock your garage.
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Happy voting!
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I hope you enjoyed our satire this evening.
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Before we wrap up, though, we would like to take a few seconds to say a particular thank
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you.
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We make a point of keeping this podcast advert free.
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So this is not an advert just a genuine recognition.
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To record Detective Diaries with always kept locations authentic, broadcasting for many
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countries while on visits or in a car on surveillance or wherever we may be.
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To record the Jim Luck satires and other episodes, we needed a recording space with real
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character.
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We found something much better, a home.
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To Kelly and the incredible team at the Mary Harriers, a pub in Surrey, thank you.
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You didn't just give us a room for our makeshift studio, you gave those episodes of our
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podcast its character.
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Thank you for looking after our crew tolerating our strange hours and providing the ultimate
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creative sanctuary.
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Everyone, please raise a glass.
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To Kelly and the crew at the Mary Harriers, check the venue out at MaryHarrriers.com.
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[Music]
