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Detective Jim Luck tackles his most bizarre case yet: protecting soccer history from the USA Presidents trophy collection - from Season 3 of the Podcast 'Detective Diaries'
'Jim thanks the American Secret Service Agent (Agent Vance) for his service and turning a blind eye to his boss'
This podcast is a satire and the characters have no relation to real persons - apart from Detective Jim Luck, of course
Lisyten to more of Detective Diaries on Spotify and Apple Podcasts
Hear this on Spotify
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Hear this on Apple Podcasts
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The theft of the Declaration of Independence is foiled by our errant Detective
An Easter story and the tale of the Stolen Tsars Egg told by Jim Luck
Lost love is saved in our Detective Diaries Valentines Day Special
The stolen Star of Bethlehem is found in: A Christmas Detectives Diary
Listen to other episodes of Detective Diaries on Spotify, Apple Podcast, and more
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Washington DC in July is less of a capital and more of a swamp, the humidity cleans
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your skin like a cheap seat and the politics smell worse than the Potemic at low tide.
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Today is Sunday 19th July 2026.
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The world is waiting for the World Cup final to be held that afternoon.
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While the rest of the country is grilling burgers, drinking lukewarm beer and celebrating
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the football, I'm staring at an empty velvet case in the security room housing the World
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Cup trophy, the Jules Remy trophy.
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The glass casing was sliced clean through with a diamond cutter.
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The security tapes mysteriously wiped by a glitch at midnight.
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I contemplate the empty case and recall the declaration of independence disappearing
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a couple of weeks ago on Independence Day and how it turned up in the president's golf
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bag mutilated by a sharpie pen with Rumps, scrolled amendments.
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The Jules Remy trophy, the holy grail of football is gone.
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Stolen right out from under the guards' noses.
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The brass one it found before the international press turns it into a diplomatic execution.
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Every country on earth is looking at Washington right now and they're not smiling.
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The director gave me two hours before they hand the case over to the empty suits at the
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FBI.
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I don't do politics and I don't do suits, I do results.
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The tip came from an anonymous burner phone.
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A raspy voice told me to look behind the iron gates of a certain palm-fringed estate in
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the heart of the capital.
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The current resident, Ronald Rump, word on the street was he wanted the ultimate golden
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cap for his private collection.
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A trophy to match the gold plated curtains and the ego that built the place.
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I didn't go alone, I had pickles with me.
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He's a black and white mungrel, the chunk missing from his left ear and a nose that can track
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a penny dropped in the Atlantic.
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I named him after the famous dog who found the stolen World Cup trophy in 1966.
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We hopped the perimeter fence just as the fireworks started overhead, masking our approach.
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We bypassed the main house, ducking behind the manicured hedges that smelt like pesticide
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and old money.
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We headed towards the back patio.
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That's where a gold plated door slid open with a heavy metallic hiss.
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The man himself stepped out, wearing a white golf polo, a red cap and a look of pure defiance.
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He wasnt alone.
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Flanking him was a towering secret service agent in a dark suit wearing dark sunglasses
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in the pitch black and a coiled earpiece that tucked neatly behind his ear.
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"Hey, who's that?
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Who's out there?
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Look, you're trespassing.
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Tremendous trespassing, frankly.
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Nobody trespasses like this, it's disgraceful.
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Agent Vance neutralized this guy.
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Tremendous threat, big threat, he's got a vicious animal with him.
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Look at the dog, very dangerous, probably an illegal dog if we're being honest.
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Look at the ears, highly irregular."
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Sir, standard protocol dictates I must evaluate the threat level before initiating physical
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neutralization.
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The target appears to be a middle-aged detective and a damp trench coat and a small, incredibly
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soggy dog.
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Threat level is negligible, sir.
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Unless you are allergic to dog dander, there is no immediate danger to your person.
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"Cut the axe, Rump.
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I'm Jim Luck, private detective.
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I'm here for the World Cup.
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I know it's on the property.
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Agent Vance, your boss is Harboring stolen international property.
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He's violating federal statute 2314, the transportation of stolen goods.
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The World Cup?
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Fake news?
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Total witch hunt? Created by the radicl left because they are jealous of my golf game. I dont even like soccer okay.
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It's a very low energy sport highly overrated.
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You run around for 90 minutes, nobody scores, everybody pretends to be injured, it's ridiculous.
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People come up to me, very smart people, tears in their eyes and they say, "Sir, your trophies
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are much bigger, much more beautiful than the soccer cup."
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And they're right.
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Agent Vance, tell him, tell him how beautiful my club champion
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ship trophies are.
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Tell him about the 1999 Bedminster Invitational.
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It is my official duty to protect the Protectee and to confirm that he does indeed possess
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many golden objects. objects that are highly ostentatious, lacking in subtlety and require
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an exhausting amount of dusting.
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Sir, save the sports commentary for the late night news, Ronald.
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An eyewitness saw your security detail moving a heavy velvet-lined crate through the backgate
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at 3am.
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The manifest listed it as sculpture.
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I think it's Nike, the goddess of victory.
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An eyewitness, probably a paid actor, total fraud, corrupt individuals, very nasty people.
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We were moving boxes of very important top secret golf towels.
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The best towels.
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You've never felt cotton like it, believe me.
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Highly absorbent.
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You can ask anyone.
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Vance knows about the towels.
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I have no knowledge of the towels, sir.
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I only handle security logistics and my own growing sense of professional regret.
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Then you won't mind if I look around.
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Say, near the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool of yours.
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We walked over to the concrete edge.
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The pool didn't look like a pool.
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It looked like a neglected swamp.
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Abandoned.
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Forgotten.
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A thick, pea-green blanket, a toxic algae, covered the surface.
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Completely opaque.
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The water was dead still.
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You couldn't see an inch below the slime.
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If you wanted to hide ten pounds of solid gold where no diver would dare plunge without
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a hazmat suit, this was the graveyard for it.
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Beautiful pool, isn't it?
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The green?
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It's an environmental marvel.
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Very organic, very exclusive.
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The fake news media says it's algae.
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They say it's a health department violation, but it's actually a very high-end luxury
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water treatment.
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It's natural mud from the deep Amazon.
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The best.
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It keeps the skin young, very smooth.
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Vance swims in it every day, don't you, Vance?
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It's done wonders for your complexion.
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It's a biological hazard.
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It has its own ecosystem.
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I'm considering filing a union grievance regarding hazardous duty pay.
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What was that, Vance?
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Did you say something?
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Speak up, the fireworks are very loud, tremendous explosions, spectacular like my poll numbers.
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I said it is a wealth asset, so a testament to your unique architectural landscaping vision.
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It is truly breathtaking.
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Literally, sir, the ammonia fumes are burning my lungs.
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I can feel my retina's blistering.
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It's a dump, Ronald, and it may be hiding an international incident.
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Before I could grab his collar, Pickles the dog bolted.
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He didn't care about the slime.
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He didn't care about the toxic stench.
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He launched himself straight in the center of the green soup, dividing the algae like
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moses in a trench coat.
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Pickles!
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No!
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Come back here, you darf dog.
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You'll need a triple dose of antibiotics after this.
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What is that?
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Get that dog out of my luxury eco pond.
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It's a disaster.
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A total disaster for the ecosystem.
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Vance, shoot the dog.
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It's an invasive species.
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It's ruining the Amazonian mud.
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It's destroying property values.
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Oh no.
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Stop.
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Don't.
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My firearm appears to be safely secured in its level three retention holster, making
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a rapid tactical response impossible.
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Regulations require a multi-step, written authorization process for canine engagement,
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sir.
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Furthermore, I have not completed the required refresher course on urban domestic animal
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intervention.
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What a tragedy.
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I am paralyzed by red tape.
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You're low energy vans.
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Total low energy.
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Just jump in and grab them.
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Dive in there.
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My dry cleaning bill is not covered for algae immersion, sir.
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Government budget cuts.
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The water erupted.
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Pickles emerged, breaking through the layer of algae like a submarine surfacing from the
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Arctic deep.
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His fur was dyed a horrific shade of neon green, but clamped tightly between his jaws
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was something metallic, gleaming defiantly through the slime.
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He paddled to the steps and dragged his heavy dripping body out.
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He dropped the cup at my feet with a wet plot.
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I knelt down, ignoring the green sludge coating my hands and wiped away the grime with
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my sleeve.
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Nike the wind goddess of victory stared back at me.
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The jewells remade.
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Safe.
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Sound.
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And smelling faintly of stagnant pond water and political ambition.
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Wow, look at that.
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Okay, folks, look, that dog is a thief.
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A very nasty, aggressive, highly trained Marxist dog.
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He just planted that cup there.
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I've never seen that cup before in my life.
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It's a set up by the deep state.
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They brought the cup in a bag, the dog swallowed it and threw it up in my beautiful pool.
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It's an optical illusion.
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I stood up, holding the heavy gold trophy by its blue lapés lazuli base.
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I looked at Rump and then at Agent Vance.
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Vance was staring directly at the trophy.
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His face completely expressionless, but his eyes were dancing behind those dark lenses.
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Well look at that.
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Plain due evidence of a stolen, federal and international asset located on the premises.
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My training dictates I must respect the absolute jurisdiction of the investigating detective.
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Protocol strictly forbids me from interfering with an active recovery operation led by an
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authorized investigator.
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Vance arrest him, grab the cup, tackle the detective.
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I made that cup famous.
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Nobody even knew about the jewells remade until I got involved.
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I brought it back.
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It was a perfect recovery.
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Everyone is saying it.
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My ears are ringing from holiday fireworks.
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The decibel levels have caused temporary auditory blockage and cognitive disorientation.
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I can barely hear your commands.
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Detective Luck, I strongly suggest you remove the recovered asset from the perimeter before
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my hearing returns.
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The exit gate on the east wing is currently unlocked, and the security cameras on that side
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are undergoing scheduled maintenance.
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Thank you Agent.
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Good luck with the lens escaping.
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Pickles, heal.
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Let's get out of this swamp before the tide rolls in.
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The sirens were wailing in the distance as we slip back through the gates.
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Rump security detail was fast, but Pickles was faster.
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The trophy was going back to the vault where it belonged.
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As for Pickles, he was getting a prime rib steak and about four consecutive chemical baths.
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Vance, you're fired.
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You're completely low energy.
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It's a beautiful cup, a perfect cup.
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We're going to sue the dog.
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We're suing the dog, Vance.
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Call my lawyers.
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The dog is going to pay for the pool cleaning.
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Where's that detective?
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Find that detective.
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Where's Milana?
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Vance, where are you going?
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Case closed.
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And as for the conniving, once again, Ronald Rump has been thoroughly trumped.
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in for more from Detective Diaries. Good night.
